I am so depressed,
thinking of ending my life many times those three days.
I love someone which really hurt me. I decided to leave him cause I felt so hurtful.
Jun 8, 2010
Mar 25, 2010
Mar 16, 2010
fragile
I feel fragile and pretty lonely today.
Just hard to describe.
Feel really very fragile and I am crying now.
Just hard to describe.
Feel really very fragile and I am crying now.
Jan 10, 2010
despair life
I am afraid that, once saying it out, it will become a curse, or at least a trap for my thinking.
Admittedly she is smart and cool, she read this world through (right or maybe wrong).
The fear, the unspoken pain, the unacceptable love, the complicate things...
I want to die, but I also have a strong ability to live well.
I want to raise a dog, but do not know how to take care.
so life is dull despair, I hate myself... really hate...
Admittedly she is smart and cool, she read this world through (right or maybe wrong).
The fear, the unspoken pain, the unacceptable love, the complicate things...
I want to die, but I also have a strong ability to live well.
I want to raise a dog, but do not know how to take care.
so life is dull despair, I hate myself... really hate...
Jan 3, 2010
Sunday, 01/03/2010 06:58:49 PM
This afternoon, when dinner time came, I felt pretty hard to have a lonely dinner.
I tried to check three person on MSN, X.D has already had and another two guys just did not answer me.
Actually I wanted to ask JB, but was afraid of being mistook as some invitation or whatever.
I could not go dinner with S. X, he likes me. It's necessary to keep distance not because I do not like him, but because I like him. He is a nice boy but I cannot afford to be with anyone.
I am afraid of solitude, but much more afraid of being with someone.
I would have much fun time with some girls and some boys who have no feelings towards me. Friendship is much more enjoyable than other things to me.
I just walked out of the building, and found two guys walked in front of me. I just followed them, and they also realized there was a girl walking behinds them. I came up with them and asked them, was the canteen 1 and 2 open today? Actually I asked a question the answer I knew, kind of fun. But God knows, I just did not want to have a lonely dinner. So I talked with them. They are very nice person.
After dinner, I also came to their office. Also added their MSN, so next time can go for dinner with them.
I need to find way to make myself happy. Meeting new people and keeping a nice distance.
This afternoon, when dinner time came, I felt pretty hard to have a lonely dinner.
I tried to check three person on MSN, X.D has already had and another two guys just did not answer me.
Actually I wanted to ask JB, but was afraid of being mistook as some invitation or whatever.
I could not go dinner with S. X, he likes me. It's necessary to keep distance not because I do not like him, but because I like him. He is a nice boy but I cannot afford to be with anyone.
I am afraid of solitude, but much more afraid of being with someone.
I would have much fun time with some girls and some boys who have no feelings towards me. Friendship is much more enjoyable than other things to me.
I just walked out of the building, and found two guys walked in front of me. I just followed them, and they also realized there was a girl walking behinds them. I came up with them and asked them, was the canteen 1 and 2 open today? Actually I asked a question the answer I knew, kind of fun. But God knows, I just did not want to have a lonely dinner. So I talked with them. They are very nice person.
After dinner, I also came to their office. Also added their MSN, so next time can go for dinner with them.
I need to find way to make myself happy. Meeting new people and keeping a nice distance.
Dec 30, 2009
Dec 29, 2009
The time is dead
How matter how boring, dull and still life is,
today I met a girl brushing her teeth in the bathroom after lunch,
right now I met this girl brushing her teeth in the bathroom again after dinner.
When I opened the door, even the eyesight she gave to me were the same.
Then I thought was the time dead? There was nothing change.
Every week, lunch went to the same place at regular time,
dinner, the same place, saw the same waitress, they served the same food as yesterday, and the day before yesterday...
Life is totally boring to death.
today I met a girl brushing her teeth in the bathroom after lunch,
right now I met this girl brushing her teeth in the bathroom again after dinner.
When I opened the door, even the eyesight she gave to me were the same.
Then I thought was the time dead? There was nothing change.
Every week, lunch went to the same place at regular time,
dinner, the same place, saw the same waitress, they served the same food as yesterday, and the day before yesterday...
Life is totally boring to death.
Dec 21, 2009
Today is my birthday
Nothing special,
actually I do not know how to celebrate it, maybe I celebrated the last two days, shopping and short travelling, I planned to go to Malaysia or maybe Thailand for a visit, but did not, maybe not yet.
Just one minute ago, I called mom. She was watching TV. I did not mention today is my birthday, and obviously she also did not think out. She forgot, not mention daddy.
I persuade myself to be strong. In the whole world, no person realised today is my birthday.
I remember last time, spending with S.B, I had been with her for four years, she once remembered and celebrated with me before she married, oh Jess, I have not been with her for recent four years, I remember which day was her birthday, but on that day I did not realise it for the recent three years.
BORING...BORING...BORING...
actually I do not know how to celebrate it, maybe I celebrated the last two days, shopping and short travelling, I planned to go to Malaysia or maybe Thailand for a visit, but did not, maybe not yet.
Just one minute ago, I called mom. She was watching TV. I did not mention today is my birthday, and obviously she also did not think out. She forgot, not mention daddy.
I persuade myself to be strong. In the whole world, no person realised today is my birthday.
I remember last time, spending with S.B, I had been with her for four years, she once remembered and celebrated with me before she married, oh Jess, I have not been with her for recent four years, I remember which day was her birthday, but on that day I did not realise it for the recent three years.
BORING...BORING...BORING...
Dec 19, 2009
loneliness is not alone
Today on subway back to school.
She just put her head on my shoulder for 30 seconds, and she told me, she felt lonely and could not focus on study.
I said, you had your boyfriend, you know, there was always someone there for you to talk, share, cry and also the comfort and security.
She said, but still feel lonely, not in tv-watching time, might be I had been with him so long.
Today laid in bed after taking a short nap, strongly felt, the irrestatable force to think about the life, about fight against lots of things till the end of life, loneliness, helplessness, bored security, real and boring life involve eating, clothing, taking caring of things.
That's said, life is not easy.
I tried to make my life meaning, also including joined in some oxymoron trips, actually doing some stupid community volunteer things, bought something to make myself happy, even tried to spoil myself, and thinking the regular life is a kind of guarantee.
I have a big eyes, but once one of my old classmate, she said, do not open your eyes so large. She was evil, so since then I kept my eyes on a position that half open, just put my eyelids half down. I did not hate her, a selfish bitch. oh I do dislike her, how can a girl be so selfish that envy someone else's big eyes just cause she has a small eyes.
She just put her head on my shoulder for 30 seconds, and she told me, she felt lonely and could not focus on study.
I said, you had your boyfriend, you know, there was always someone there for you to talk, share, cry and also the comfort and security.
She said, but still feel lonely, not in tv-watching time, might be I had been with him so long.
Today laid in bed after taking a short nap, strongly felt, the irrestatable force to think about the life, about fight against lots of things till the end of life, loneliness, helplessness, bored security, real and boring life involve eating, clothing, taking caring of things.
That's said, life is not easy.
I tried to make my life meaning, also including joined in some oxymoron trips, actually doing some stupid community volunteer things, bought something to make myself happy, even tried to spoil myself, and thinking the regular life is a kind of guarantee.
I have a big eyes, but once one of my old classmate, she said, do not open your eyes so large. She was evil, so since then I kept my eyes on a position that half open, just put my eyelids half down. I did not hate her, a selfish bitch. oh I do dislike her, how can a girl be so selfish that envy someone else's big eyes just cause she has a small eyes.
Dec 13, 2009
Monday
From parents, learnt that there will be a family gathering tomorrow.
Tomorrow is the memory day for the left of my grandma, eight years or maybe nine years already.
Today I felt a bit down, seems ten years has passed since grandma's left, but still remember her grey hairs, she laid in bed and uncles discussed her funeral before her.
My two uncles also left. One in the last year, and one in this year.
Right now I felt pretty lonely, and sometimes strongly blame myself that I should have focused on studying, that I should not have wanted to cry.
Life is not easy. We struggled, we took the burden of worry, sadness and pain.
I hate writing...
Tomorrow is the memory day for the left of my grandma, eight years or maybe nine years already.
Today I felt a bit down, seems ten years has passed since grandma's left, but still remember her grey hairs, she laid in bed and uncles discussed her funeral before her.
My two uncles also left. One in the last year, and one in this year.
Right now I felt pretty lonely, and sometimes strongly blame myself that I should have focused on studying, that I should not have wanted to cry.
Life is not easy. We struggled, we took the burden of worry, sadness and pain.
I hate writing...
Nothing
She is always out of love, because she is always out of the love with the idea of love.
The good thing about arranged marriage is that, once failed, there is always someone else's responsibility.
Dec 11, 2009
the way of thinking happily
No matter what has happened to me.. in life...
I need a sunshine heart, at least I need to have an umbrella to avoid my heart from being wet.
Today my moods is a bit down,
no future road map that I can do.
The road I am searching is more like searching a road in the forest, I am lost now, no road mark and how bad is it that I have no guide.
Give myself a hug..
I need a sunshine heart, at least I need to have an umbrella to avoid my heart from being wet.
Today my moods is a bit down,
no future road map that I can do.
The road I am searching is more like searching a road in the forest, I am lost now, no road mark and how bad is it that I have no guide.
Give myself a hug..
Dec 10, 2009
The study records of the Gromacs (mainly about the mistaks I met during MD)
(1) Following the online manual from http://manual.gromacs.org/current/online/water.html
When try gmxdump -s topol.tpr | more, it's going to show
Fatal error:
Too many warnings (1), grompp terminated.
If you are sure all warnings are harmless, use the -maxwarn option
to solve this question, need to delete the arguments "bd-temp" (or just simply add ; before it) of the grompp.mdp file.
(2)
When try gmxdump -s topol.tpr | more, it's going to show
Fatal error:
Too many warnings (1), grompp terminated.
If you are sure all warnings are harmless, use the -maxwarn option
to solve this question, need to delete the arguments "bd-temp" (or just simply add ; before it) of the grompp.mdp file.
(2)
Dec 9, 2009
Dec 7, 2009
raise horse
My dream, most imagination was like that,
Raise a group of horses in the pasture, and also two dogs.
During the gentle sunshine day, my lover took me on his horse back, we ride in the endless pasture, blue sky, white cloud, tender wind, he has the beard, I could feel the warmth of his broad chest and his strong arms. We will let the horse eating grass, and both of us laying under the shadow of the tree, sometimes talking, sometimes not talking...Youth will be forever.
I love horse, but never raise one, I guess I need to earn lots of money, so I can have the ability to take care of a horse, especially those Arabic horse.
Getting familiar with the Linux OS more and more, I start to love it, especially the feeling that I can handle it, maybe I am more close to understand it.
Raise a group of horses in the pasture, and also two dogs.
During the gentle sunshine day, my lover took me on his horse back, we ride in the endless pasture, blue sky, white cloud, tender wind, he has the beard, I could feel the warmth of his broad chest and his strong arms. We will let the horse eating grass, and both of us laying under the shadow of the tree, sometimes talking, sometimes not talking...Youth will be forever.
I love horse, but never raise one, I guess I need to earn lots of money, so I can have the ability to take care of a horse, especially those Arabic horse.
Getting familiar with the Linux OS more and more, I start to love it, especially the feeling that I can handle it, maybe I am more close to understand it.
pill
I hate taking medicine. usually ate half of the dose, sometimes 1/4. I still remember how mad daddy was about that, and always how mom was mad about that, daddy would keep silent and shown a serious face, mom would say, I would never care about you again or...whatever. haha...
Just right now I took 1/2 of one capsule of Amoxicillin, I guess I do not need to take it, just recently worried about bacterium, nonsense...
I remembered the little Gem, when she was young, she loved to taste medicine, and one day she took mom's sleeping medicine, and she slept a whole afternoon and night, when we were both grow up, one day mom forced me to take a very bitter herbs, I laid on bed and when mom left, it's our little gem who helped me solve half of them, I did not need to pour them secretly any more. She is so lovely, how can I do not miss her. I hate her growth, I preferred she was still that little girl.
going to sleep now.
Just right now I took 1/2 of one capsule of Amoxicillin, I guess I do not need to take it, just recently worried about bacterium, nonsense...
I remembered the little Gem, when she was young, she loved to taste medicine, and one day she took mom's sleeping medicine, and she slept a whole afternoon and night, when we were both grow up, one day mom forced me to take a very bitter herbs, I laid on bed and when mom left, it's our little gem who helped me solve half of them, I did not need to pour them secretly any more. She is so lovely, how can I do not miss her. I hate her growth, I preferred she was still that little girl.
going to sleep now.
nothing
Last night, just laid in bed, tried to do some deep thinking.
All the insight I got about my life based mostly on my own experience.
Such as the pain and the suffering. Parents' relationship and my own body pain, just after the first pain ends, the second pain follows, I guess it will follow me until I died.
Since I have no way to escape, even I can escape, there might be some new pain emerges out.
Have a DEEP thinking about my own and life...
stop writing, today just finished the exam, relieve and a new start.
I reinstalled the OS, and tried to update now....
Love myself.
All the insight I got about my life based mostly on my own experience.
Such as the pain and the suffering. Parents' relationship and my own body pain, just after the first pain ends, the second pain follows, I guess it will follow me until I died.
Since I have no way to escape, even I can escape, there might be some new pain emerges out.
Have a DEEP thinking about my own and life...
stop writing, today just finished the exam, relieve and a new start.
I reinstalled the OS, and tried to update now....
Love myself.
Dec 6, 2009
Another coincidence
Just right now I am cleaning the floor with some antiseptic so I can walk barefoot on the floor.
I was thinking of her, something about her journey whether she was back to China or not.
Then I came online after finishing the cleaning work, I found the message she left and told me she had arrived home safely, the message left ten minutes ago.
Oh, another coincidence. Sometimes when I found someone was in my mind, there would unavoidable some linkage would come out between them and me.
But actually I was thinking of lots of things, maybe it's totally coincidence. Such as I was thinking the prime minister, an amicable person, such as I was thinking of some stars, my favor singers or whatever, there would no much linkage.
I was thinking of her, something about her journey whether she was back to China or not.
Then I came online after finishing the cleaning work, I found the message she left and told me she had arrived home safely, the message left ten minutes ago.
Oh, another coincidence. Sometimes when I found someone was in my mind, there would unavoidable some linkage would come out between them and me.
But actually I was thinking of lots of things, maybe it's totally coincidence. Such as I was thinking the prime minister, an amicable person, such as I was thinking of some stars, my favor singers or whatever, there would no much linkage.
Dec 5, 2009
is it really coincidence
Few minutes ago, I was thinking of wedding photo, then I noticed my old classmate he uploaded their wedding photo on MSN space.
Just few minutes ago, when I closed my eyes, listening the radio, I was imagining a big fire, I fight harshly with the fire, more like firefighter, then at last I couldnot save the building, so I jumped down from the building onto a top of tall tree outside the window. Then less than five minutes, I am listening the news about the firefighter promotions test, the unfairness and lawsuit.
So many things happened like that, is it just really coincidence?
Just few minutes ago, when I closed my eyes, listening the radio, I was imagining a big fire, I fight harshly with the fire, more like firefighter, then at last I couldnot save the building, so I jumped down from the building onto a top of tall tree outside the window. Then less than five minutes, I am listening the news about the firefighter promotions test, the unfairness and lawsuit.
So many things happened like that, is it just really coincidence?
mirror's fault
Due to the mirror's fault, today I found I am stunning beautiful, cannot help standing before the mirror so long...
It's said, Eve's degradation due to she seeing her beautiful image in the water. The girl should not have realized their beauty.
When I looked at mirror, sometimes I could not believe my eyes.
Keep on telling myself that I am an ugly duckling, no beautiful appearance.
focus on studying, searching for success...
It's said, Eve's degradation due to she seeing her beautiful image in the water. The girl should not have realized their beauty.
When I looked at mirror, sometimes I could not believe my eyes.
Keep on telling myself that I am an ugly duckling, no beautiful appearance.
focus on studying, searching for success...
do not know
Tonight lend money to a friend, not a small number, at least to me.
actually she is a very important friend to me.
I am afraid that money would ruin friendship, when I lend it to her, actually I do not expect she would return to me in half a year or a bit longer, but if she would return it to me in one month, I would be happy.
I was with her dinnering together, sometimes lunch together.
She is going to meet her boyfriend, not formally, but someone probably is going to be her Mr. Right.
I wished her happiness.
I felt a bit blue when she is going to leave.
The day after tomorrow is going to have an exam... just pass is okay to me... B is nice, A will be also nice.
Tonight I need a hug, warm and cozy... but none...
actually she is a very important friend to me.
I am afraid that money would ruin friendship, when I lend it to her, actually I do not expect she would return to me in half a year or a bit longer, but if she would return it to me in one month, I would be happy.
I was with her dinnering together, sometimes lunch together.
She is going to meet her boyfriend, not formally, but someone probably is going to be her Mr. Right.
I wished her happiness.
I felt a bit blue when she is going to leave.
The day after tomorrow is going to have an exam... just pass is okay to me... B is nice, A will be also nice.
Tonight I need a hug, warm and cozy... but none...
Dec 4, 2009
How to be No. 1
I do not know, that's why I have never been No. 1.
I am not so bad, just only can be No. 2 in many years (if there were only three people).
Searching for the breakthrough...
I am not so bad, just only can be No. 2 in many years (if there were only three people).
Searching for the breakthrough...
what's happiness
I am lost, confused, so I searched what's happiness online...
Happiness is waking up in the midnight and still found there were several hours that you could sleep, not insomnia.
Happiness is expectation, every expectation you have about life, love, even about happiness.
Happiness is meeting someone you like unexpectedly even she was with someone.
Happiness is someone forcing you to take medicine, and was angry about you when you did not take care of yourself.
Happiness is just right now I want to cry, but I am strong enough not to let my tears down.
Happiness is waking up in the midnight and still found there were several hours that you could sleep, not insomnia.
Happiness is expectation, every expectation you have about life, love, even about happiness.
Happiness is meeting someone you like unexpectedly even she was with someone.
Happiness is someone forcing you to take medicine, and was angry about you when you did not take care of yourself.
Happiness is just right now I want to cry, but I am strong enough not to let my tears down.
over
A relationship could start at nine months ago, and then it's over four and half months ago.
I once told him, I would never find you.
He told me, he would find me, and unless he found I was in someone else's arms.
I once said, I was full of fear about the future of us.
He told me, he know what I fear, and he would not let that happen.
Sometimes I was so curious, who came to his life that let him so suddenly betray all his words he once said.
I am happy about the end up. Just cherish the story and sometimes thought the seriousness and worry in the past are very laughable.
When he told me, I preferred to seeing you having sex with someone rather seeing you falling for someone. He told me he was sad. Sometimes three month's relationship could not compare the one I only met two days? When he told me I was jealous, but actually his jealousness was also poisonous.
Mom told me, if you did not love him enough, then just let him go, did not let him so close with you.
Daddy told me, he was not positive about this relationship but he would not be against.
I was sad for a certain time when it's over, I stopped being sad since one month later he told me he met someone six days ago. How damning it's and how sweet the last lie he gave to me.
Then I started to realize how laughable it is.
I am glad about it's over and also glad to have some short stories even mainly most were fear, worry and nonsense talking. Until now I still do not know the music he played, but that day, the sounds from the piano, was it really happen? Sometimes the past has really happened? or Just some imagination of mine. Did he still remember something about composition for me?
I am very happy about its ending, am I sick?
I once told him, I would never find you.
He told me, he would find me, and unless he found I was in someone else's arms.
I once said, I was full of fear about the future of us.
He told me, he know what I fear, and he would not let that happen.
Sometimes I was so curious, who came to his life that let him so suddenly betray all his words he once said.
I am happy about the end up. Just cherish the story and sometimes thought the seriousness and worry in the past are very laughable.
When he told me, I preferred to seeing you having sex with someone rather seeing you falling for someone. He told me he was sad. Sometimes three month's relationship could not compare the one I only met two days? When he told me I was jealous, but actually his jealousness was also poisonous.
Mom told me, if you did not love him enough, then just let him go, did not let him so close with you.
Daddy told me, he was not positive about this relationship but he would not be against.
I was sad for a certain time when it's over, I stopped being sad since one month later he told me he met someone six days ago. How damning it's and how sweet the last lie he gave to me.
Then I started to realize how laughable it is.
I am glad about it's over and also glad to have some short stories even mainly most were fear, worry and nonsense talking. Until now I still do not know the music he played, but that day, the sounds from the piano, was it really happen? Sometimes the past has really happened? or Just some imagination of mine. Did he still remember something about composition for me?
I am very happy about its ending, am I sick?
unexplainable and wont be able to prove
I found one thing strange for so long...
such as suddenly one day I thought of someone, then later I would find some linkage with that person...
Such as I was thinking of an old friend on the way back to room, then when I came back to room I found there would be a text message from that friend;
Such as when I was thinking of one classmate I was in the same class before, when I came downstairs, turned around and suddenly met the one.
Such as when I was sitting there eating lunch, recalling one of my teacher, then suddenly when I turned my eyes from the table to the queue lines, I found the teacher in the queue buying food.
Such as one hour ago, I was thinking of a girl, then suddenly I met her in the shop and she was so welcome saying hi to me.
And mostly those people came to mind very shortly, and those people are not so familiar enough that I could ask whether they have the same thought with me, and also those people I do not think often, just suddenly thought and then it's became strange that I met them soon.
such as suddenly one day I thought of someone, then later I would find some linkage with that person...
Such as I was thinking of an old friend on the way back to room, then when I came back to room I found there would be a text message from that friend;
Such as when I was thinking of one classmate I was in the same class before, when I came downstairs, turned around and suddenly met the one.
Such as when I was sitting there eating lunch, recalling one of my teacher, then suddenly when I turned my eyes from the table to the queue lines, I found the teacher in the queue buying food.
Such as one hour ago, I was thinking of a girl, then suddenly I met her in the shop and she was so welcome saying hi to me.
And mostly those people came to mind very shortly, and those people are not so familiar enough that I could ask whether they have the same thought with me, and also those people I do not think often, just suddenly thought and then it's became strange that I met them soon.
My schedule
12.07 Exam; (have to take part in)
12.08 Training about first aid; (can escape, focus on the study of the viberation mode)
12.09 Theoretical birthday; (wont celebrate)
12.12 Visiting a company; (hope it's interesting)
12.14 Seminar; (my personal interest)
12.17 Group seminar; (cannot escape)
12.21 IMPORTANT DAY (treat me very good that day, a little spoil myself)
.............................
MISS HOME; WANT TO CRY;
pathetic life... laughable stories everyday... ridiculous...
12.08 Training about first aid; (can escape, focus on the study of the viberation mode)
12.09 Theoretical birthday; (wont celebrate)
12.12 Visiting a company; (hope it's interesting)
12.14 Seminar; (my personal interest)
12.17 Group seminar; (cannot escape)
12.21 IMPORTANT DAY (treat me very good that day, a little spoil myself)
.............................
MISS HOME; WANT TO CRY;
pathetic life... laughable stories everyday... ridiculous...
Dec 3, 2009
addiction
My ears are addicted to music,
Today met Robin Thicke's song... The sexier thing is seeing a man's tenderness towards his woman...I like his song, the one 'sex therapy' is nice...
Also like Chris Brown's song, the Yo is really nice...
I knew Usher's song is a bit longer than the above two.
And it's been long forget to listen to Jeff Zhang's songs. I listened lots of his song when I was in college, around four years ago.
I like Faye Wong, her way, her style, her brave about love and her pride, her voice is fabulous and she is a real woman in my eyes...
Today met Robin Thicke's song... The sexier thing is seeing a man's tenderness towards his woman...I like his song, the one 'sex therapy' is nice...
Also like Chris Brown's song, the Yo is really nice...
I knew Usher's song is a bit longer than the above two.
And it's been long forget to listen to Jeff Zhang's songs. I listened lots of his song when I was in college, around four years ago.
I like Faye Wong, her way, her style, her brave about love and her pride, her voice is fabulous and she is a real woman in my eyes...
who is she? and who am I?
She is an elf living in high mountain, surrounding by green woods and endless summer.
Her ears can hear the mellifluous music, her hairs shine brightly under the moonlit, her eyes look like a fountain and her smile can conquer the world.
Her fingers are the words of muse, can play fabulous music.
Her waist so soft, when she dances, even the winds are intoxicated.
remember the song, she is always a woman to me... who am I?
just a student in a school which is full of green, tall and tropical trees.
wear headset nearly 6 hours each day, listening all the songs, no matter old or new, classical or a kind of erotically implied songs.
have long fingers, but played on the keyboard, oh, I have a pain waist and shoulder cause I am tired now...
1000 years passed, the elf will still be the elf...
1000 years ago, who was I? Did I meet my hero in the battlefield?
1000 years later, who will be I? An archaeologist (at the time, the archaeologist would be interested in the piece of words left on my computer as some relices)? haha... and read the words I am writing.. God bless the google company, can last a bit longer, at least my words I am writing wont lose easily..can be preserved as some mummy.
Her ears can hear the mellifluous music, her hairs shine brightly under the moonlit, her eyes look like a fountain and her smile can conquer the world.
Her fingers are the words of muse, can play fabulous music.
Her waist so soft, when she dances, even the winds are intoxicated.
remember the song, she is always a woman to me... who am I?
just a student in a school which is full of green, tall and tropical trees.
wear headset nearly 6 hours each day, listening all the songs, no matter old or new, classical or a kind of erotically implied songs.
have long fingers, but played on the keyboard, oh, I have a pain waist and shoulder cause I am tired now...
1000 years passed, the elf will still be the elf...
1000 years ago, who was I? Did I meet my hero in the battlefield?
1000 years later, who will be I? An archaeologist (at the time, the archaeologist would be interested in the piece of words left on my computer as some relices)? haha... and read the words I am writing.. God bless the google company, can last a bit longer, at least my words I am writing wont lose easily..can be preserved as some mummy.
Tiger
I met Tiger once, actually I met him many times each day.
But the time I really met his harsh critical comments, I thought I started to know him.
He is far away from handsome, whose face is very bumpy especially in local area, I passed through his door, seeing from door's window, even the smooth glasses could not smooth his face. I am exaggerating his 'bumpy' face. Actually I do not hate his critics about me, just still feel that I should not have been deserved like that, just as those bad words about his face was also he is not supposed to receive.
It's been long I wanted to write something bad him, at this time, I allow myself to be a bad and wrong girl.
the end of writing of the story of the tiger.
But the time I really met his harsh critical comments, I thought I started to know him.
He is far away from handsome, whose face is very bumpy especially in local area, I passed through his door, seeing from door's window, even the smooth glasses could not smooth his face. I am exaggerating his 'bumpy' face. Actually I do not hate his critics about me, just still feel that I should not have been deserved like that, just as those bad words about his face was also he is not supposed to receive.
It's been long I wanted to write something bad him, at this time, I allow myself to be a bad and wrong girl.
the end of writing of the story of the tiger.
Dec 2, 2009
my lame joke and lyrics
Angel: what's your name?
Miss: I am 'miss', the miss from I 'MISS' you.
Angel: what are you doing?
Miss: I am crying.
Angel: what are you crying for? who do you miss?
Miss: I do not know whom I can miss, that's why I am crying?
Angel: oh, sweetheart, your 'miss' is under unemployment, do you want me to arrange an interview for you with Cupid?
Miss: No, thanks, I have never been hired, I have no work experience, and under the crisis, it's hard for me to survive.
lame kidding and now will start the music... the lyrics I am going to finish later or maybe will never...
deep deep night,
wo de si nian zai liu yan lei,
starry starry night,
wo de ai wu zhu,
Miss: I am 'miss', the miss from I 'MISS' you.
Angel: what are you doing?
Miss: I am crying.
Angel: what are you crying for? who do you miss?
Miss: I do not know whom I can miss, that's why I am crying?
Angel: oh, sweetheart, your 'miss' is under unemployment, do you want me to arrange an interview for you with Cupid?
Miss: No, thanks, I have never been hired, I have no work experience, and under the crisis, it's hard for me to survive.
lame kidding and now will start the music... the lyrics I am going to finish later or maybe will never...
deep deep night,
wo de si nian zai liu yan lei,
starry starry night,
wo de ai wu zhu,
push
Baby, you must push yourself hard, hardier...
Then one day when your blood turns cold, when the last sight you give to this world, when the last breath comes out, you would feel NO REGRET. (damn, I do not know how to use tense here)
Love life deeply, devoted deeply...
RESEARCH...UNDERSTANDING...SOLVE...
Then one day when your blood turns cold, when the last sight you give to this world, when the last breath comes out, you would feel NO REGRET. (damn, I do not know how to use tense here)
Love life deeply, devoted deeply...
RESEARCH...UNDERSTANDING...SOLVE...
Dec 1, 2009
affirmative
It's always pleasant with someone who would so generous to give you so many complimentary words.
haha...
I think I should have given myself some complimentary words, which would bright my heart sky, and make my day.
When I wanted to say, I am not beautiful, I should have told myself, oh girl, you are so gorgeous, look at your eyes, it's so innocent, pure and clear.
When I wanted to say, I fell fragile, I should have told myself, oh girl, you never know how brave and strong you are.
When I wanted to say, I feel confused, I should have encouraged myself that the road always comes out when you felt no way to go out.
When I wanted to say, I feel I am a loser and not smart, I should have comforted myself that, oh lady, you had tried your best, you should realize how excellent you are.
When I wanted to say, I feel I am not perfect and even I sometimes do not like myself, I should have said, oh lovely baby, you are so perfect, have a golden, kind, merciful heart.
Yes, baby, growing fast, and always be positive about yourself.
haha...
I think I should have given myself some complimentary words, which would bright my heart sky, and make my day.
When I wanted to say, I am not beautiful, I should have told myself, oh girl, you are so gorgeous, look at your eyes, it's so innocent, pure and clear.
When I wanted to say, I fell fragile, I should have told myself, oh girl, you never know how brave and strong you are.
When I wanted to say, I feel confused, I should have encouraged myself that the road always comes out when you felt no way to go out.
When I wanted to say, I feel I am a loser and not smart, I should have comforted myself that, oh lady, you had tried your best, you should realize how excellent you are.
When I wanted to say, I feel I am not perfect and even I sometimes do not like myself, I should have said, oh lovely baby, you are so perfect, have a golden, kind, merciful heart.
Yes, baby, growing fast, and always be positive about yourself.
raining
Actually I do not want to give a title, cause what I am going to write is very random... just something jumping into my mind.
My happiest time everyday, just encountered some nice music, and read something funny. Another happy thing is 'dating' with a very beautiful lady for dinner, could talk lots, probably the talks I shared with her is the whole words I spoken everyday. Another happy thing is running every night, for health.
I am sad sometimes when I recalled my childhood, mom was so strict with me. The happy memory was the time when I was eloping with my hook, to go fishing that day. oh... pathetic experience, we did not know how to fish, and unfortunately we got something like young snake, we were so scared, I forget what's punishment I had gotten for this risk. Well... when I was young, I imagined several times I eloped with someone, someone who was brave enough to hold my hands and we run, but this is never happened, and wont happen. I did really want to escape from home when I was young.
Now actually, I do not know how to describe, last time when I was at home, I felt homeless.
Today read something about ribosome. What's life supposed to be.
From yesterday's night, I started to listen radio before I went to bed, also today. I recalled the old man who was once our neighbour in our old house. He was listening radio when I was young. I missed the old house, it's large with big garden which was deserted long long ago. I am afraid of being living there alone...
Why I called this title 'raining', cause it's raining heavily when I went out for lunch... raining everyday...
Oh... baby where is your home, here??
My happiest time everyday, just encountered some nice music, and read something funny. Another happy thing is 'dating' with a very beautiful lady for dinner, could talk lots, probably the talks I shared with her is the whole words I spoken everyday. Another happy thing is running every night, for health.
I am sad sometimes when I recalled my childhood, mom was so strict with me. The happy memory was the time when I was eloping with my hook, to go fishing that day. oh... pathetic experience, we did not know how to fish, and unfortunately we got something like young snake, we were so scared, I forget what's punishment I had gotten for this risk. Well... when I was young, I imagined several times I eloped with someone, someone who was brave enough to hold my hands and we run, but this is never happened, and wont happen. I did really want to escape from home when I was young.
Now actually, I do not know how to describe, last time when I was at home, I felt homeless.
Today read something about ribosome. What's life supposed to be.
From yesterday's night, I started to listen radio before I went to bed, also today. I recalled the old man who was once our neighbour in our old house. He was listening radio when I was young. I missed the old house, it's large with big garden which was deserted long long ago. I am afraid of being living there alone...
Why I called this title 'raining', cause it's raining heavily when I went out for lunch... raining everyday...
Oh... baby where is your home, here??
THEY
She is going to marry on 12th, this month.
The girl I had been with for nearly four years.
Actually marriage to her is so natural, dated with that boy since high school.
One of my old classmate, high school classmate he is going to marry in the next month, 10 years ago, one afternoon, when I was failed in an exam, was sad cause the teacher asked me to make a report about why I failed in front of all the whole classmates, I cried, I was so young, and that boy who was just sitting in his place with me, we did not talk, but he was there giving me great comfort even just silently sitting there. His mother and my mom were old good friends around 20 years ago.
What's going to happen 20 years later.
The youth will be gone, I am afraid of aging, just as hard for me to accept death.
Enjoy the life being single.
Do I need to send some greeting words to them? NO...
The girl I had been with for nearly four years.
Actually marriage to her is so natural, dated with that boy since high school.
One of my old classmate, high school classmate he is going to marry in the next month, 10 years ago, one afternoon, when I was failed in an exam, was sad cause the teacher asked me to make a report about why I failed in front of all the whole classmates, I cried, I was so young, and that boy who was just sitting in his place with me, we did not talk, but he was there giving me great comfort even just silently sitting there. His mother and my mom were old good friends around 20 years ago.
What's going to happen 20 years later.
The youth will be gone, I am afraid of aging, just as hard for me to accept death.
Enjoy the life being single.
Do I need to send some greeting words to them? NO...
Nov 30, 2009
sign
My eyes got a pain, burned, kind of..
The exam, I guessed lots, even calculation I knew the formula but did not carry mine calculator, I was so lazy that I could only try to guess the answer, and right now I do not care it's right or wrong.
I did not enjoy the exam, no feeling of achievement, the only one nice thing I finished guessing in half an hour even it's allowed two and half hours to finish.
I do not want to blame myself, I tried, should I have tried harder?
There is one exam left, prepare carefully.
I hate the feeling of exhausted, but I do feel this way.
I am also afraid of failure, should be confident, one thing I know, I am still full of dream which sustains my life going on.
Next semester go to gym, after exam, focus on programing and know more about the vibration among covalent bonds or whatever bonds.
When am I going to start swimming?
The exam, I guessed lots, even calculation I knew the formula but did not carry mine calculator, I was so lazy that I could only try to guess the answer, and right now I do not care it's right or wrong.
I did not enjoy the exam, no feeling of achievement, the only one nice thing I finished guessing in half an hour even it's allowed two and half hours to finish.
I do not want to blame myself, I tried, should I have tried harder?
There is one exam left, prepare carefully.
I hate the feeling of exhausted, but I do feel this way.
I am also afraid of failure, should be confident, one thing I know, I am still full of dream which sustains my life going on.
Next semester go to gym, after exam, focus on programing and know more about the vibration among covalent bonds or whatever bonds.
When am I going to start swimming?
Nov 28, 2009
The girl
Young girlish dream, when I was 18 years old, I once imagined when I stood before the window looking outside, a boy passed through the window and looked up, and seeing a girl like me.
I always love the story about falling in love for the first time. Just as a man seeing a girl passing through his window, his eyes became so soft and gentle, he forget everything and only her in his eyes and minds.
This girl is lucky.
wanted to be loved very simply, peacefully, no matter one year, ten years and 100 years, those gentleness like water, flows in heart forever.
Recently reading a book, letter not about love, the unrequited love, sometimes was sad, sometimes was just reading for reading.
Sometimes I would think about how men spent his life, sometimes was sad, abandoned smartness into their daily life, maybe I never once understand one. Even my daddy, miss my parents. Today is Sunday...
I always love the story about falling in love for the first time. Just as a man seeing a girl passing through his window, his eyes became so soft and gentle, he forget everything and only her in his eyes and minds.
This girl is lucky.
wanted to be loved very simply, peacefully, no matter one year, ten years and 100 years, those gentleness like water, flows in heart forever.
Recently reading a book, letter not about love, the unrequited love, sometimes was sad, sometimes was just reading for reading.
Sometimes I would think about how men spent his life, sometimes was sad, abandoned smartness into their daily life, maybe I never once understand one. Even my daddy, miss my parents. Today is Sunday...
Nov 27, 2009
purity
Just few minutes ago,
Nelly found I was writing blog here,
such a young girl in her 19 years old, youth and pure, lovely.
I was once young, that's all I felt about.
I feel tired, and also feel.. deep in my heart, love yourself, baby...
go on finish reading...
Nelly found I was writing blog here,
such a young girl in her 19 years old, youth and pure, lovely.
I was once young, that's all I felt about.
I feel tired, and also feel.. deep in my heart, love yourself, baby...
go on finish reading...
something
Look at her eyes,
like a cat,
yawning
yawning for the attention,
In this Saturday morning, a bit cold,
just
just want you to
hold
hold me
tightly and silently.
silent warmth, tight hug...
silence...
like a cat,
yawning
yawning for the attention,
In this Saturday morning, a bit cold,
just
just want you to
hold
hold me
tightly and silently.
silent warmth, tight hug...
silence...
Motivation
Love is great motivation to do lots of things.
Just talked with mom.
I love them, also cherish being loved.
Be a good girl...
Just talked with mom.
I love them, also cherish being loved.
Be a good girl...
Nov 26, 2009
sometimes
Sometimes in my life, I was so crazy about something,
such as I strongly wanted to have something, such as I strongly wanted to watch a film, such as... but it's always made me feel disappointed once I got.
should not have been crazy about things...
Maybe just like destiny, my life has been paved... just follow it...
Baby, be strong...
such as I strongly wanted to have something, such as I strongly wanted to watch a film, such as... but it's always made me feel disappointed once I got.
should not have been crazy about things...
Maybe just like destiny, my life has been paved... just follow it...
Baby, be strong...
crazy analogy idea
When I was looking at the folding proteins.
Each subunits more like each lands of the earth surrounded by oceans, which surrounded by water.
and creatures including humans like those molecules in the protein.
The driving force of folding just like the driving force of the froming of the earth.
Outside is the universe, outside of the proteins is the different proteins.
The solar systems like the cell.
The whole universe follows the rule of fractal.
Baby, fully devoted, for the short-life to enjoy the knowledge.
Tonight will go to watch film, 21.
Each subunits more like each lands of the earth surrounded by oceans, which surrounded by water.
and creatures including humans like those molecules in the protein.
The driving force of folding just like the driving force of the froming of the earth.
Outside is the universe, outside of the proteins is the different proteins.
The solar systems like the cell.
The whole universe follows the rule of fractal.
Baby, fully devoted, for the short-life to enjoy the knowledge.
Tonight will go to watch film, 21.
Nov 25, 2009
Believe your judgement
Four years ago, when I talked with clients, I suggested them to choose Google to put their advertisement on, rather cooperate with Alibaba, cause Alibaba also needed to put advertisement on Google, I once called the Alibaba company, and learnt they used some mirror what what, I did not know those technical network stuff, but my intuition was correct. I do not know what's the present situation was, and how the does the Alibaba company run and what's their service, just one thing I am sure there companies were complicated, and have the government support.
I am young, and I guess in the next few years I could have a chance to see what's going to happen.
I worry about future, what can I do... sometimes I am so naive, so out of social... do not know how to survive...
I am young, and I guess in the next few years I could have a chance to see what's going to happen.
I worry about future, what can I do... sometimes I am so naive, so out of social... do not know how to survive...
Nov 24, 2009
Useful commend
1. check the installed package information
cat /var/log/dpkg.log | grep "\ install\ "
ls -l /var/log/dpkg*
cat /var/log/dpkg.log | grep "\ install\ "
ls -l /var/log/dpkg*
Death
I did not realize I was going to die before I 'slept'.
When I 'wake up', I found my body lied there, no breath, I was just a empty soul floating in the air.
I saw one of my favor picture was put in front of my body, enlarged picture which when I was took it, I did not realize it would become the picture shown in my funeral.
My old friends seldom realized I was dead, they lived the life as usual. Thanks God, they did not know, otherwise they would gossip lots. It would be nice just let me disappear without their knowledge.
The only thing it's hard for me to see, is to see the sadness of my parents. How hard for them to accept the fact that their daughter left.
My empty figure could do nothing, just there... full of regret, how could my whole life end like this way, so ordinary, so plain, so meaningless.
P.S I do not realize one day I am going to die the same as I did not realize I was dead.
Sometimes I feel the time just fly away, I can do NOTHING, just ... please bless me a life that's really worthy living even with pain, hurt, struggle. Actually I accept the pain, cause it's drag my nerve making me alive.
Stop writing, focus on studying...
When I 'wake up', I found my body lied there, no breath, I was just a empty soul floating in the air.
I saw one of my favor picture was put in front of my body, enlarged picture which when I was took it, I did not realize it would become the picture shown in my funeral.
My old friends seldom realized I was dead, they lived the life as usual. Thanks God, they did not know, otherwise they would gossip lots. It would be nice just let me disappear without their knowledge.
The only thing it's hard for me to see, is to see the sadness of my parents. How hard for them to accept the fact that their daughter left.
My empty figure could do nothing, just there... full of regret, how could my whole life end like this way, so ordinary, so plain, so meaningless.
P.S I do not realize one day I am going to die the same as I did not realize I was dead.
Sometimes I feel the time just fly away, I can do NOTHING, just ... please bless me a life that's really worthy living even with pain, hurt, struggle. Actually I accept the pain, cause it's drag my nerve making me alive.
Stop writing, focus on studying...
something
Appreciate critical comments.
Frustration can make people work hard, that's how I feel, work harder... I have already fallen behind, should need worker harder and harder...
Frustration can make people work hard, that's how I feel, work harder... I have already fallen behind, should need worker harder and harder...
Nov 23, 2009
Be a good girl
Be a good girl,
That's all?
Yesterday night, reading a book, later realized, how happy and carefree to be young, do not know the word, 'loneliness'. I wished I would be ten years younger or ten years older, probably ten years difference, would let me realize no solitude.
Day by day, when I saw myself in the mirror, is the end of youth?
Aging...
That's all?
Yesterday night, reading a book, later realized, how happy and carefree to be young, do not know the word, 'loneliness'. I wished I would be ten years younger or ten years older, probably ten years difference, would let me realize no solitude.
Day by day, when I saw myself in the mirror, is the end of youth?
Aging...
Frustration
Today met the Tiger from M.I.T, prof. Koh.
I feel so frustrated, and great failures.
Why cannot I fail to be smart, or maybe work so hard, so energetic...
damn...
I feel so frustrated, and great failures.
Why cannot I fail to be smart, or maybe work so hard, so energetic...
damn...
Nov 22, 2009
food
I hate food,
when the food was in front of me, my stomach was so sad and wanted to cry...
I should not have disliked food, how can people have such complex that one side depends on it and another side hate it so much... how the balance between hate and dependent...just hope they can meet peacefully.
I HATE FOOD... my stomach being tortured now by those things I ate... baby...try to distract your attention to other things, it's a bad habit to vomit once you learned...
When I came downstairs, there was some person behind me which reminds me of my daddy... I am sorry, daddy... I still cannot love food, when I was a baby, you found all ways to make me eat something, take me to the friends you know, and let them praise mine mouth, open and then immediately you put something in my mouth, try to give some nice things as a exchange for me to eat something, even let me throw your expensive watch cause I like to throw your watch by my little hand and then stumbled to pick up and throw again...
I am sorry, daddy... food makes me sad, but I still finish eating, nearly and try not to waste... daddy... I am still the little child, still need spoil...
when the food was in front of me, my stomach was so sad and wanted to cry...
I should not have disliked food, how can people have such complex that one side depends on it and another side hate it so much... how the balance between hate and dependent...just hope they can meet peacefully.
I HATE FOOD... my stomach being tortured now by those things I ate... baby...try to distract your attention to other things, it's a bad habit to vomit once you learned...
When I came downstairs, there was some person behind me which reminds me of my daddy... I am sorry, daddy... I still cannot love food, when I was a baby, you found all ways to make me eat something, take me to the friends you know, and let them praise mine mouth, open and then immediately you put something in my mouth, try to give some nice things as a exchange for me to eat something, even let me throw your expensive watch cause I like to throw your watch by my little hand and then stumbled to pick up and throw again...
I am sorry, daddy... food makes me sad, but I still finish eating, nearly and try not to waste... daddy... I am still the little child, still need spoil...
Nov 21, 2009
HER
HER eyes are full of seduction.
The men's pine down for her, to her just a decoration of her beauty.
The cigarette between her long fingers, the smoke raises, I cannot see her clearly through the distant smoke...
When I saw that cat again on the way to have breakfast, I remember her.
The men's pine down for her, to her just a decoration of her beauty.
The cigarette between her long fingers, the smoke raises, I cannot see her clearly through the distant smoke...
When I saw that cat again on the way to have breakfast, I remember her.
New day
A very pleasant morning,
outside the soft wind,
even the breakfast was the same as yesterday's, but it tastes fabulous.
sometimes, life can be so beautiful without pain.
To all the God I know, please give me an exemption.
Even to satan, please let the pain go, is it you who sent the monster to hurt me? It has hurt me enough, what do you still want?
勇敢一点。。。。
outside the soft wind,
even the breakfast was the same as yesterday's, but it tastes fabulous.
sometimes, life can be so beautiful without pain.
To all the God I know, please give me an exemption.
Even to satan, please let the pain go, is it you who sent the monster to hurt me? It has hurt me enough, what do you still want?
勇敢一点。。。。
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